#(( I WILL PLAY FLORENCE AT MY WEDDING AND AT MY FUNERAL ))

[aheathen-conceivably]

My Dearest Zelda,

The time since I returned to Henford has been full of both joy and sorrow. Young Summer is pregnant again, and I have never quite seen your brother so excited. He is such a dear with his first born, content to play as though he were a child himself.

Yet he and Summer are so diligent with this old farm, seemingly endlessly content by their freedom to work outside and be with eachother whenever they please. I have found that I cannot work as well as I once could, so their dedication to this land brings me much joy.

However, not all has been well here in England, and it is at times like these that I miss your calm smile and your beautiful voice. My dear friend Elaine has passed away on her farm. I was there with her, surrounded by our Webber cousins at the place you all loved so much growing up. She is at peace now, but I can’t help but feel as though I have lost my last confidante.

With her son in laws’ growing business in Windenburg, they have decided to sell old Webber farm. It saddens me to think of Wallace and Virginia playing there as children, or your father and my uncle humming while working the fields. But time must march on, and new families come and go where old memories were made.

With every passing day, the burden of memory feels heavier upon my shoulders. Since Elaine’s funeral, I have taken to going to the graveyard on sunny days. She is buried not far from your father and Rosella, who both slumber there amidst the dappling of oak leaves.

I suppose it is not very English of me, but sometimes I sit near your father’s grave and talk quietly to him. At first I felt a bit foolish, but now, it is as though part of him is still here with me. I do wonder if he can hear me and if there is any remnant of him left in this land that he loved so much. I do not think of myself as superstitious, but I cannot help but hope that he does remain in some way, if only so that we may be together for even a moment more.

How is your little one? The photo that we took together is my greatest treasure. I keep it on my writing desk next to a portrait of your father and I on our wedding day. It is strange to think of just how young we were then, younger even than you and your Antoine are now.

I often look at these photographs and think of how your father would have loved his grandchildren, none of whom he ever got to meet. Even thinking of their names together brings me much joy; Oliver and Violette, what a lovely pair the two of them would have been.

Please write to Summer if you have time. It would be nice for her to have a correspondence other than an old woman like myself.

With all of my love, your mother,

Florence Darlington

[malkaleh]

Where is Thomas buried? I think he died after Henry and before Anne, did she have any say in how his affairs were handled? Maybe behind the scenes? Was Liz Cromwell buried in Italy or did he manage to bring her body back to England?

So the answer to the first question is that Liz Cromwell was buried in Italy (at least off the top of my head) I don’t think Thomas has the resources to transport her body back to England and it may not have been something she wanted - in this universe she was born in Italy, it was her home - so she and her and Thomas’ daughters are buried in a cemetery in Florence under sunshine and beautiful trees - he thinks of it later, that Liz would love that it looked out upon the world, that Nora and Grace would have been happy to play nearby - close to their house.

Thomas keeps a part of them with him all his life - his first two daughters first embroidery - given in a gift that Grace had carefully stitched for him and in the same in another that Nora had passed over to him in the last Christmas of her life. His first wedding ring. It wouldn’t have felt right to him, to take them away from what was their home, just to have their bodies lay together when they would be together in the next world.

(I do know that when he becomes a noble he does have a memorial made that he and Gregory can visit though).

The second one is…I’m still pondering my options (But re Anne - she has like, behind the scenes say because Gregory but neither she nor Thomas’ other children/grandchildren/great grandchildren can mourn as deeply publicly as they wish. I know that) They are something like:

Thomas requests a simple funeral and burial to the church local to his estate. It is only centuries later that he is openly buried beside his husband and wife in Westminster Abbey and a monument to all three of them is openly unveiled, Thomas given a crown upon his effigy too.

In ‘gratitude for the great service that he has done the kingdom’ Thomas, Duke of Essex is buried in Westminster Abbey, close to the monarchs ‘he hath served so faithfully’ and no one knows that all three lie side by side - or that the effigy of Queen Anne and King Henry hides another beneath - that of all three of them (I actually don’t think this one is likely because it would presumably get pretty studied though I don’t know if they actually do that - if so it’s more something that in retrospect points to it - subtle carvings).

[dr-shortsighted-owl]

Hello there!

For the 3 songs asks thingy, what about 2, 13 and 14 please ?

Thank you

Thank you for the ask!!

2. three last songs you listened to

My tears are becoming a sea by M83 (I’m still not over it being in the 911 S6 finale)

Seven devils by Florence and the Machine

End of the wilds from Outer Wilds the lost reels by Andrew Prahlow

13. three songs you want at your funeral

The Messenger by Linkin Park

Thais Meditation (Fun fact this is the most complex violin piece I can play)

Older than the Universe from Outer wilds the lost reels by Andrew Prahlow

14. three songs you want at your wedding

Timber Hearth from Outer wilds by Andrew Prahlow (To walk down the aisle)

The kazoo inn music from WoW mists of pandaria whilst everyone eats because it will make me laugh

Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen (because my boyfriend loves The boss and it’s a fantastic song)

Send me a music ask!

[ellanessa]

Put your music on shuffle and answer the questions below with song titles:

the song that describes how you will die - Dear Billy, Sapphire

this song describes your love life - Shake It Out, Florence + The Machine

this song will play on your wedding day - Love Is War, RUNAGROUND

add "in my pants" at the end of this song - Cha-Ching "In My Pants", Imagine Dragons

this song will play at your funeral - Habits (Stay High), Tove Lo

add "with a shovel and screwdriver" to this song - Part of the Game "With a Shovel and Screwdriver", Ella Martine

this song describes your week - Are You Bored Yet?, Wallows, Clairo

this is your theme song - Villains Aren't Born (They're Made), PEGGY (I swear this was not planned)

this song will play when you think of someone you love - The Beach, Wolf Alice

the song will play when you miss someone - Legend, The Score

[cinematicnomad]

tagged by @oneawkwardcookie

rules: put your music on shuffle and answer with the songs you get

the first song describes how you feel: lifeforms by daughter yeah this tracks. i’ve just been responding to a hundred different emails from students today, including one kid who just...keeps re-sending the same email like 12 different times, not giving me time to actually reply and is clearly just fishing for different answers 🙃🙃 “you try to forget me but i won’t let you easily” yeah, that’s how i feel about my work inbox right now lol 

the second song describes your love life: over the love by florence + the machine ah??? this song is for that terrible great gatsby adaptation from a few years ago sooooo no, lol, don’t really feel like this is appropriate. i am not staring at that green light obsessively 

the third song will be played at your wedding: rumour has it by adele  i mean, it’s an iconic song that came out in my early 20s and it’s a blast to scream along with. now...is it thematically super great for a wedding? nah, but who cares about lyrics for weddings you just want a great song.  

add “in my pants” to the fourth song: stay alive by hamilton original broadway cast "stay alive in my pants” nice. 

the fifth song will be played at your funeral: hands down by dashboard confessional  i MEAN dashboard confessional is a classic emo band and i was obsessed with them when i was a tiny 14 year old. this song feels super apt for my funeral tbh. “so won’t you kill me, so i die happy” yesssssss, emo!teen kat is thriving 

the sixth song is your theme song: 1234 by feist in high school i had a recurring ~*nightmare*~ (it didn’t FEEL nightmare-ish but the recurring aspect and the ending made it... ahh weird for me) where this song played and i like, showed up at my school dancing in the hallways and doing backflips until i burst into a classroom and just leapt out of the window and fell to my death like 15 stories. i always woke up before i hit the ground. 

the seventh song will be played when you think of someone: almost lover by a fine frenzy not any specific person, but it does make me think of mike and harvey from suits because it’s from the soundtrack for @mockturtletale‘s fic vinyl advice. i downloaded all of the playlists and created my own album covers for them 😅😅

i tag: @crazyassmurdererwall, @tattooedsiren, @mockturtletale, @hyperdecant, @deadpanwalking, @tylerhunklin, @woodchoc-magnum, and anyone else who wants to do this

[the-other-art-blog]

What I loved about the 2019 movie (part 1: “technical” points)

I ranted a lot about Greta’s Little Women, so I wanted to share what I did love from it.  I’m taking into account that there is not a better version... some versions have good scenes, but none of them is incredible. Let’s consider it an AU and enjoy.

The cast (well, their acting)

I like Saoirse’s Jo, she’s a bit too angry with the world, but she's alright. I have never liked Jo, not even when they try to make her a hero. So, me not liking the character is normal.

Florence Pugh as a 12 year-old is implausible. I guess Greta thought that if Flo didn’t do both versions, she wouldn’t get nominated. I don’t know. But she did act childish and make up helped her to look younger, not twelve but younger maybe 16. I’ll defend her low voice. Her physical appearance is not very accurate, aside from the blonde hair and blue eyes. I mean she does have exactly the nose Amy would want, so it was a bit strange hearing her lamenting when the nose is perfect. It would have been better if she wailed about her cousin’s ugly hand-me-downs. But the artist mindset is Amy’s. I’ll allow it because of Florence. I think that out of all the actors, she’s the one who understood her character the best.

I loved Mr. Laurence! And Meryl Streep was also great (she was also a bit too angry and bitter in the wedding, but I’ll allow this too). Emma’s attitude was anti-feminist, but her face is Meg’s. Timmy was okay too, even if he didn’t knew who his character was (see part 4 of my rant).

The back and forth

I don’t think it’s hard to understand the time jumps. But it is a movie made for people who already know the story. Greta said anyone could watch it, but she also took for granted that everyone knows the story.

It served to contrast the girls’ dreams with the reality. As someone who is finishing college, it had a tremendous impact.

Sometimes it  didn’t have to be a parallel about the plot, like the transition from Beth’s funeral to Meg’s wedding. That parallel was about Jo watching Beth. The last shot of the funeral is Jo looking down at her dead sister. And it’s followed by  the same position, just in the past Jo is looking at Beth arranging the flowers. It’s sadness vs joy.

The look of the film

This movie is gorgeous to watch and full of little details. I love how you could see Amy’s drawing all over and Beth playing Bach. Orchard house was beautiful, but the Europe scenes are breathtaking. It’s like they were posing for an impressionist painting. I could live in that painting room!

I actually like the costumes. I went over the 1868-69 La Mode Illustrée and Amy’s gowns are okay. The silhouette should have been more pushed to the back, start showing a bustle, but the hats were nice. And I can forgive Jo’s not wearing a corset as an artistic choice to show Jo’s rebel personality through her clothes. Beth is fine. The hair is another story. I get the choices for Beth and Jo, except in the wedding. Meg is a disaster but this is not what this post is about.

If you’re wondering why Amy’s clothes look so good even in the childhood scenes, it’s because they are her cousin’s hand-me-downs. Amy doesn’t wear her sisters’ old clothes. This is exactly what I’m talking about taking for granted that people know the story, especially this little details. Did you noticed Amy wearing the pinky ring during the letter scene? That should have been the ring Aunt March offered her. But at least, the detail is there.

The filters work... sometimes. Not everything in childhood is happy, and not everything in adulthood is sucks. But it does have an impact when they are adequate, like in that transition scene I talked before.

Somebody described this movie as if it was about Jo writing her Little Women. Like what we’re seeing is Jo’s memories as she writes. That’s why everything in childhood is so happy, and adulthood seems sad. I found that interpretation possible. It also explains why she included Friedrich and introduced their romantic story (I also read someone question that). I can live with that.

What do you think, does this interpretation works for you??

[hannahlhnd2021]

Seeing the light - task 1 - inspiration

Portraiture equipment & techniques

For a modern day professional portrait, three point lighting will be a typical setup as it gives a rounded exposure of the subject with a nice array of highlights and shadows balanced evenly. Three point lighting typically includes one key light (main light source), one fill light (opposite to key light, balances shadows) and one rim light which sits behind the subject and helps separate the torso from the background by adding a rim of highlight. 

In flash photography you can decrease F stops on the light to increase shadows in the image and have much more dramatic lighting, to the point where you can illuminate only half of a face and leave the rest in shadow (low key). Alternatively you can increase F stops and make a high key portrait, full of whites and highlights.

High key vs low key:

Depending on whether your subject has an interesting background behind them, in an environmental portrait for example, you can increase or decrease your aperture to incorporate more or less of it.  

Environmental portrait:

Shutter speed also plays a big part. You generally want to make sure your subject is in focus unless it’s a particular action shot like someone playing sports, and capturing that movement would make the image more dramatic. A higher shutter speed will keep the subject sharp and in focus whereas a slower one will include that movement and blurriness.

Fast shutter speed:

Slow shutter speed:

Different areas of portraiture

https://www.splento.com/blog/photography/easy-guide-to-portrait-photography-styles/

Top ten types of portrait photography including candid, lifestyle, glamour, self portraits, and environmental.

Candid photography:

Self portrait photography:

Historical figures in photographic portraiture

George Hurrell (1904-1992) was a portrait photographer born in Kentucky, United States. He grew up in Ohio and went on to study at the Art Institute of Chicago, at first only using photography to take pictures of his paintings. 

He lived at a ‘painting colony’ in California, where ironically he started to prefer photography. He took some photos of actress Norma Shearer that became very popular, and gradually worked his way into photographing more Hollywood stars at the time, including Marilyn Monroe. 

George Hurrell self portrait:

One of the Norma Shearer portraits:

Douglas Fairbanks Jr. by George Hurrell.

Another historical figure in portrait photography would be James Van Der Zee (1886-1983). James grew up in Massachusetts and became famous for photographing black New Yorkers, especially during the Harlem Renaissance era. He produced fantastic documentation of the era. He was also a professional violinist.

“During the 1920s and 1930s, he produced hundreds of photographs recording Harlem's growing middle class. Its residents entrusted the visual documentation of their weddings, funerals, celebrities and sports stars, and social life to his carefully composed images.[3] Quickly Van Der Zee became the most successful photographer in Harlem. Among his many renowned subjects were poet Countee Cullen, dancer Bill ("Bojangles") Robinson, Charles M. "Daddy" Grace, Joe Louis, Florence Mills, and black nationalist leader Marcus Garvey.” 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Van_Der_Zee

James Van Der Zee:

Marcus Garvey with George O. Marke and Prince Kojo Tovalou-Houénou, 1924 by James Van Der Zee

 ‘Couple, Harlem, 1932′ by James Van Der Zee:

One new portrait photographer - Zay Yar Lin

https://zayyarlin.photoshelter.com/about/index

https://www.instagram.com/zayyarlin84/?hl=en

Zay Yar Lin is from Yangon, Myanmar. He was born there and still lives there. It is the largest city in Myanmar with a population of 5,421,806 today. His full time job is as a ship captain on the sea but he is trying to cross over into photography being his entire career. He has never officially taken a photography class or studied photography at an institution, he is fully self taught from the internet. His most famous images were shot in Ethiopia, but he also has beautiful images from Mongolia. He runs photography workshops in Myanmar and has received many awards for his work. His work has been published in prestigious magazines such as National Geographic and Wanderlust. 

“I was born in Taungdwingyi, Myanmar, a country where a lot of beautiful places are existed. I've been into photography since 2014 ... My passion is to document people, landscapes, culture and relation between them. I mainly focus on daily life, portraits and culture; images that tell stories of people and sense of the places. I always seek the moment and light in capturing travel images and try to use my photographic instinct to turn ordinary to extraordinary. As a photographer, my objective is to witness the moment and record the human stories. I believe photography can capture powerful story telling images and inspire us to make a positive change in our world.” - Zay Yar Lin

Zay Yar Lin:

Images from Ethiopia:

Other notable images:

[terrm9]

😅 sorry it was my bad, I wasn't clear enough. Nah don't sell yourself too short, you're great at interaction 😁. 30 songs would be to many 😅.

So 10 songs that sums up about you. Do you have also have songs/playlist that sums up about Ethan?

Thank you for being patient with me, lovely♡

Sorry if this is disappointing, I don't really listen to the radio so I hardly know what is popular now and so these songs are either old or kinda unheard-of.

I just did TOP 5 for Ethan, the first three of them are totally my Ethan x Chiara songs

1. Sleeping At Last - Already Gone

So this is my TOP TOP TOP Ethan and Chiara song, I mean I based my whole series on this song😂 the first time I listened to it, two words came to my mind immediately: Ethan & Amazon. It's their song ever since then (but like... not forever. This is sad. This is Amazon song)

2. Florence and The Machine - Wish That You Were Here

Because if this line doesn't define Ethan, idk what does

And I never minded being on my own

Then something broke in me and I wanted to go home

To be where you are

3. Sleeping At Last - Heart

I think this is very much E&C's song after the events in Chapter 11 (Book 2)

Go ahead and laugh

Even if it hurts

Go ahead and pull the pin

What if we could risk

Everything we have

And just let our walls cave in

4. The Kooks - She Moves In Her Own Way

This is how Ethan feels about the stubborn love of his life

I love her because she moves in her own way

5. Woodkid - Run, boy, run

Lol this is a joke, I imagine Ethan repeating this songs to himself ever since finding out he would be MC's direct boss (and the song is kinda good) 😂

I will put mine under the tag - I also explain some of them, so I apologize in advance if it's too long

1. Bon Jovi - Have a Nice Day

The song I listen to when I am super stressed, about to take an exam, etc. Plus Bon Jovi is my biggest love back from teenage years

2. Radical Face - Always Gold

This part sums me up pretty well. I am content with my life

I am fine with where I am now

This home is home and all that I need

3. Simon & Garfunkel - Sound Of Silence

4. Sleeping At Last - Light

The song I sing to my daughter every night ever since she was born. It's her lullaby at this point

I will rearrange the stars and pull them down to where you are

....

Though your heart is far too young to realize

The unimaginable light you hold inside

5. AURORA - Running With The Wolves

6. Mumford & Sons ft. Baaba Maal - There Will Be Time

For this part:

There is a time

A time to love

A time to sing

A time to shine

A time to leave

A time to stay

There is a time

A time to cry

A time to love

I think this sums up life in general so well. Life happens and there are happy times and there are sad times and we do what we do to live our lives at all times. And it's okay.

7. Oasis - Wonderwall

!!! This song is connected to death, pls skip if that triggers you !!!

Sorry if this is morbid but this was the song playing at my best friend's funeral and it is common for the caskets to be open on funeral here and this part was what played in the background as I kept squeezing his hand for the last time and so yeah, it's with me forever I guess

And all the roads that lead you there were winding

And all the lights that light the way are blinding

There are many things that I

Would like to say to you but I don't know how

8. Kodaline - The One

Our wedding dance song. Very sentimental.

9. Vivaldi's Four Seasons

Not exactly song but I love listening to compositions very much

10. Lion King 2 - He Lives In You

I love Disney soundtracks 😂

This one also has beautiful lyrics

He lives in you

He lives in me

He watches over

Everything we see

Into the water

Into the truth

In your reflection

He lives in you

Thank you so much for sending this❤❤❤

[theeldestsun]

REPOST DONT REBLOG

tagged by @kingwhocared

RULES: Spell out your url in song titles, then tag 10 people!

Third Eye by Florence and the Machine How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful by Florence and the Machine Empire by Of Monsters and Men Entanglement by Imogen Heap Loose Ends by Imogen Heap Death by Made in Heights Evening on the Ground by Iron and Wine Spectrum by Florence and the Machine To be Alone by Hozier Spanish Sahara by Foals Unsteady by X Ambassadors Necessary End by Saltillo

tagging:  @sunofdorne @dornishdrxgon @longmayshereign-cersei @desecratedvalor @ruinedkiing @worshipsonlydeath and who ever else :333

[heartshards]

1-20 pls and thank :)

EMILY ( but I’m gonna do it though. I’m gonna do it. )

a song I associate with my muse’s personality:      skipping stones by clair de lune

a song I associate with my muse’s past:     unsteady by x ambassadors

a boss battle song for fighting my muse:     control by halsey

a song lyric that describes my muse:     this is the only one for which I’m gonna use a song from the actual musical because “has the dark in me finally come to light?” is the pinnacle Elsa lyric and I will fight you on this

a song that makes my muse sad:     funeral bell by phildel

a song that makes my muse want to dance:     symphony no. 9 in e minor by antonin dvorak. ( going period here he was a czeck composer around them time Elsa would’ve been alive / learning to dance for balls )

a song that my muse always sings along to:     let it go honestly the real answer here is Elsa was likely classically trained and would’ve been singing traditional Danish folk songs or popular Scandinavian and even German operas of the time which I don’t have quite enough knowledge in to make a firm selection

a song that makes my muse feel nostalgic:      all is found ( lullaby ) from frozen II  ( okay I lied another canon one but... listen to the lullaby version )

a song that would play while my muse is having sex:     all this and heaven too by florence and the machine

a song my muse would do a striptease to:     season of the witch by lana del ray

a song that reminds my muse of their family:     dollhouse by melanie martinez  ( please note I do NOT support melanie or any of her actions, this is merely the most fitting song and one I associated with Elsa years prior to melanie’s actions being brought to light )

a song that my muse might listen to when angry:     iscariot by walk the moon

a song dedicated to on of my muse’s ships (specify ship):     oh you get all 3 of my current ships thank you Elsa/Rikki ( with @starbloomed ): swimming by florence and the machine Elsa/Regulus ( with @proditeur ): the last time by taylor swift Elsa/Poison Ivy ( with @destinedfates ): ivy by taylor swift

a song that my muse would sing to their children:     okay so I really don’t think Elsa would have children, but if she did evergreen by pekoe

a song that my muse would play at their wedding:     the last snowfall by vienna teng

a song that my muse can’t stand:     generally, I’m guessing she dislikes heavily electronic music ( in a modern verse ) or anything that lacks the kind of technique she is trained in a adores, but I don’t have any specific examples in mind.

a song that makes my muse think of your muse:     see #13 !!

a song that plays while my muse trains/works-out:     four seasons ( summer, 3rd movement ) by vivaldi

a song that plays while my muse studies/works:      string quartet n. 15 in d minor, k. 421 by mozart

a random song from my muse’s playlist:     northern lights by ola gjeilo

[markcampbells]

thirty questions

@the-blind-assassin-12 tagged me; thanks, Alyssa :) and tagging @malionnes because she’s one of the only ones who reads these all the way through.

Name/nickname: Tracy. I go by Trai because I always went by it in the Internet stranger-danger days (more adrogynous) and because I went through a period of being ~~unique~~ where I wanted to spell my name with an i instead. I dropped that, but Trai stuck with my middle and high school friends, though there’s only one of those left who calls me that regularly. I never insisted on it to my college friends so they all call me Tracy, though one of them and I call each other “twin” as a mutual endearment since our interests are extremely similar. If I’m introducing myself or referring to myself in an online context, like here on Tumblr, it’s pretty much always by Trai.

Gender: Female

Star sign: Capricorn. Which gets left out of astrology memes a lot, I feel like? Anyway.

Height: Uh, I always say 5′3″ and just assume that’s true, so... that. 

Time: 1:55 PM

Birthday: January 3rd. So my 30th is coming up in 2021, aka Plague Year Part II.

Favorite bands: The Killers and Florence + the Machine. I should listen to more Tegan and Sara and Of Monsters and Men because I like particular albums of theirs but haven’t gone into their wider discographies.

Favorite solo artists: I’m regrettably not current on all these, but present and past favorites include Michelle Branch, Vanessa Carlton, Ingrid Michaelson, KT Tunstall, Jason Mraz, Alanis Morissette, Nelly Furtado, and Anna Nalick. 

Song stuck in my head: Earlier I read a book title that had the word Yellow in it and ended up with “The Yellow Rose of Texas,” so that’s... not particularly helpful.

Last movie: The Prom. My movie watching has been extremely thin on the ground last year since my attention hasn’t been up for it. In recent months (going back to August) a handful of others I watched were Water Lilies, Kajillionaire, The Boys in the Band, and Howard.

Last show: Six Feet Under, which I’m watching for the first time. I’m almost at the end of Season 1 and I honestly love it. It isn’t really a surprise to me that I do--I like black comedy, I unfortunately had a lot of death in my family in my formative years so my mom and I have always had a sense of humor about that kind of thing (plus she grew up over a funeral home herself), and I was always interested in it knowing Michael C. Hall’s character and his partner were significant for gay representation on TV--but it is always a pleasant find to find a TV show you genuinely enjoy watching.

When did I create this blog: April 2nd, 2010. Back in my day we got the damn Tumbeasts error message AND WE HATED IT.

What do I post: Well, it used to be more consistent when I had more consistent interests, but now it’s kind of a mess. I used to love posting more about what I was reading, but haven’t done that much lately. Period drama/Jane Austen can be a strong presence, and in recent years my attachment to Star Trek has grown. Doom Patrol and Legends of Tomorrow during their seasons tend to be strong fixtures. Matt Bomer and Chris Pine show up when they’ve got projects going (David Tennant used to feature more in the old days but I’ve strayed from his fandom). Queer art and queer culture.

Last thing googled: “will ferrell owen wilson.” I went into the break room to wash my hands after the end of my shift and a movie was playing on MTV that I didn’t recognize from the off. I think it was Wedding Crashers, which I saw back when it came out and then never again, so I’m not sure. I tend to be curious about what movie is playing on TV if I don’t recognize it.

Other blogs: @pinesexualmckirk is where I’m attempting to put my more niche Star Trek posting (and is acting as a repository for the McKirk fanfics I want to read eventually). I have started literally two writing sideblogs that I convinced myself I was going to use someday (@ashes-and-silverware for original and @intellect-and-romance for fanfic) but never have because I keep being annoying on main, I guess? I don’t write fanfic anymore so the second one is probably a dead fish, but I always tell myself maybe someday I’ll get the original one going.

Do I get asks: Mostly from Cait, but I will always welcome more. Back in the old days I actually used to get an impressive amount of asks about Doctor Who and One Tree Hill.

Why I chose my url: Mark is my original character created in conjunction with Cait, and for a while we had our URLs paired as the couple. I kept mine because I like it sort of being a reference for just us, LOL. I used to be tutorgirlx3 and haley--james after Haley of One Tree Hill, but over time I felt as I drifted away from the show/fandom it wasn’t a great fit.

Following: 721. I try to cull occasionally, but haven’t in a while.

Followers: 1,927, and to be quite honest I do not deserve that many and I’m almost certain the vast majority of those are dead blogs. Those old days of Doctor Who and One Tree Hill built up my follower base in a way I never really deserved (I never posted all that much original content). A lot of people from those days aren’t around anymore, so that’s why I think a lot of the blogs are dead, but I appreciate the number regardless; thank you all.

Average hours of sleep: Probably around seven or eight. I really try to get that much when I can, partly because being a 4 AM shift worker means my sleep is weirder than everyone else’s and I feel like I need more of it.

Lucky number: 3

Instruments: I tried learning guitar for a while but to be honest I never had the discipline to practice it.

What am I wearing: Old Navy pajama shorts with cats playing with Christmas lights, and I’m trying to decide if I’m going to change my top. I have either a black Doom Patrol t-shirt or a purple tank top that says Reality Is For People Who Can’t Handle Victorian Feminist Literature that I wear around the house a lot.

Dream job: It used to be editor, but I no longer want to use my degree in that way because I’ve heard too many horror stories from people about working in publishing killing their desire to read for pleasure. At this point, with as many years in retail behind me as I have, literally anything with a desk would be fine with me.

Dream trip: England. I want to see all the literary houses and bookstores I didn’t get to see the first time around.

Favorite food: Sweet, brownies. Other than that, dill pickles, probably chicken tenders, and honestly I love steak and cheese chimichangas.

Nationality: American

Favorite song (at the moment): Some of the last few I’ve liked enough to buy have been “Someone You Loved” and “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi and “Diamonds” by Sam Smith. Eternally, it’s “The Chain” by Ingrid Michaelson.

Last book read: I reread Fun Home by Alison Bechdel, which is one of my favorites. My concentration has been really fucking suffering this year so me finishing anything is monumental, but currently I’m trying to get through (prepare yourselves): Who is Vera Kelly? by Rosalie Knecht, The Color Purple by Alice Walker, Her Body and Other Parties by Carmen Maria Machado, How to Write an Autobiographical Novel by Alexander Chee, and Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf. (Yes, I’m a disaster pan and every book on that list is queer.)

Top three fictional universes I’d like to live in: .Um, Star Trek if I could just be in the fun part and not the dangerous part. Something lowkey and queer and with a bookstore like Alison Bechdel’s Dykes to Watch Out For. Night Vale if I didn’t have to be an intern at the radio station.

[izzy-b-hands]

Loyalty

No idea where this came from, or why. Was sitting here bemoaning that I didn’t know what to write and nothing was coming, and then THIS!

This is set in the Modern AU, though there’s nothing in particular to designate it that other than my saying so and that’s how it played out in my head as I wrote lol. In a particular version of the Modern AU where they live in the same city in Texas as Florence and Burgie.

TW for allusions to suicide and PTSD, though nothing is mentioned real explicitly.

Fic title comes from the Kendrick Lamar song, because he’s all I was listening to while I wrote this, and I figure the word fits the sort of idea/theme in this in a weird way. Particularly the line ‘all we ask is trust’ because trust is definitely a Topic in this one. 

My love to all who read/like/reblog!

“He’s worried about you.” 

Snafu shrugged. “He shouldn’t bother.” 

Burgie sighed and dropped down onto the bar stool beside him. “You gotta stop this shit. The hell scared you now?” 

“The fuck do you mean?” 

Burgie damn near growled, mean, and he usually didn’t get that way with friends unless he was drinking, but he hadn’t touched the beer Snafu had ordered for him as soon as he saw him walk in. 

“You know very well ‘the fuck’ I mean, Merriell. You claim you want to be close, you want to be a good boyfriend, maybe even his husband someday? Then you gotta get over this gettin’ scared shit you do. Last time, you freaked out because he wanted you to go to some university function with him, and he went alone, and left early and called me in tears. Time before that, he tried to set up a nice vacation for y’all, that you both needed and deserved. You got scared he’d somehow fall in love with someone in that city that he’d meet, and claimed work wouldn’t give you the time off, and he knew that shit wasn’t true, and that hurt. So what is it this time?” 

“Like he doesn’t do the same shit to me.” 

Burgie sighed deeply. “I’m not saying he doesn’t. He does, and I need to talk to him about that too-” 

“Then go do it! If you’re so concerned with making this relationship your problem.” 

“Goddamn it, Merriell!” Burgie’s fist slammed the counter, and Snafu and half the club near them jumped a foot. “Shut the fuck up for two minutes, no more snide fucking come backs, and let me tell you what I see if you two dumb fucks break up for good.” 

He set his beer on the counter, and stared at Burgie. His friend’s face was red, his mouth twisted in a frown so angry it hurt to look at. Burgie had never been truly mad at him or Eugene, ever. 

“Before you two got together, y’all were messes. I know, cuz I’m the dumb ass that picked up every time one of you would call me, sobbing and scared and alone, which made me scared for you. And I knew if y’all got back together, it would be something like it was during the war, something good; two rocks adrift in a sea that can drift together and find shore, or break apart and let the surf wear them to nothing. Together, you both find shore. Apart...” 

Burgie sighed. “That’s why I urged y’all to meet up again. I knew I’d be attending funerals if I didn’t, and I can’t take another one. Another service revolver that should have been taken away but wasn’t, and another mother asking me if I’ll come over and help clean the wall in her boy’s room because the father can’t stomach it and she can’t bear to do it alone.” 

“My parents are dead.” 

“So then I’d be cleaning your bedroom wall alone,” Burgie replied. “I won’t do it, Merriell. For you or Sledge. You’re both better and smarter than you’ve been acting, in general and with each other.” 

“It isn’t that easy-” 

“You think I don’t fuckin’ know that? What the fuck do you think Florence and I talk about in therapy when we do our sessions together? We go over that shit, what scares us, what we worry about with each other, and you know what we find out every time?” 

Snafu shrugged.

“That our fears are irrational, borne of trauma and confusion and other things in our lives we hadn’t come to terms with yet. I’m not saying therapy would solve everything, but I gave Sledge the number for ours. She does Skype sessions, though they cost a bit more, in case y’all ever move like you keep talkin’ about. It might be worth it for you both.” 

He shrugged again, and bore holes into his beer as he stared at it. 

“I know you don’t wanna break up with Sledge, and I know he doesn’t wanna break up with you. You wanna know why?” 

The tears burned at the corners of his eyes, and he couldn’t respond. 

“Because neither of y’all ever pack a bag, or even take your fucking wallet with you. You didn’t this time, did you? Just a few twenties to pay for the drinks, right?” 

Snafu pulled the two twenties and fifty out of his jeans pocket and showed it to him, then put it back. 

“See? And then one or both of y’all call me and ask me to talk to one or both of y’all, and I come by to help you, and as soon as you both sit and talk through what weird shit is in your heads, you feel better and things go back to normal. You just gotta do that with each other, without me. Or with the therapist, but definitely gotta learn to do it without a third party too. It isn’t actually difficult, exactly. It’s just...being vulnerable.” 

“What if he doesn’t like me like that?” 

Burgie’s eyes softened, and the frown disappeared. “Why wouldn’t he?” 

Snafu shrugged. “I don’t like me like that. It feels weird to cry in front of him.” 

“But you did during the war. I know, I watched it happen.” 

“That was different.” 

“Why?” Burgie stressed, leaning towards him, taking one his hands in his. “Or did you just not think about it because of where you were?” 

It was like a light bulb flickering in his head. “...yeah. I guess so.” 

“Okay. So what makes you feel like anyone could see you at home with him, talking shit out and crying if you need to?” 

“I...I don’t know.” 

Burgie nodded. “That’s okay. You can figure that out later. You got time. You just can’t let it take over your head, y’know? Or let those nonsense fears that you know won’t ever be true or come to pass take control. You gotta focus on what you know is true. Tell me.” 

“What?” 

“Bout you and Eugene. What’s true, about you two.” 

“...I love him. He loves me.” 

Burgie nodded again, encouragingly.

“He makes me feel safe, and I do the same for him. We can both sleep without nightmares when we’re together. I don’t worry about anyone breaking in to kill us as much when he’s beside me at night. He likes to read to me, and I like to hear him read, even his stupid textbooks that are boring as shit. I like the chores he doesn’t, and vice versa so we always have an easy time keepin’ the apartment clean. He buys fresh flowers for me, but knows to keep ‘em in the high vase mounted on the wall where the cat can’t get ‘em, so she won’t eat ‘em and get sick. And I make sure he takes breaks when he studies, otherwise he won’t eat or move and that’s not good for him, and I know he knows that, but he gets goin’, ya know? And-” 

Burgie’s hug was warm and soft and made the tears finally fall. 

“Let’s get you home, and go talk to Eugene, okay? He needs to hear all that, and I know he’s got a bunch of the same sort of stuff to tell you.” 

“You think that therapist has openings sooner rather than later?” 

“She let me set up the first appointment for y’all, though you gotta fill out a bunch of paperwork that day so they can finish gettin’ you set up in their system. But I got y’all in next week.” 

The tears fell all the way back home, in the passenger seat of Burgie’s truck, and fell even harder like a summer storm when Eugene met him on the sidewalk of the apartment building property, running out to hug him so hard it took his breath away.

“I’m sorry.” 

“So am I.” 

“I’m ready to do better. For both of us,” his voice shook as he let his head rest on Eugene’s shoulder. 

“Me too.” 

The scent of the tulips Eugene had bought him greeted them as they walked inside to their apartment, Burgie right behind them, and it smelled like spring and freshness and a new start. 

Tulips would be a good wedding flower, for later. For a spring wedding, when they were ready and healthier and happy and doing better overall. He’d make sure the church (for Eugene, with his religious family) was full of them. 

He couldn’t wait for it all, the work towards better as hard as it would be, and the wedding. 

They were going to be okay. 

[iicewitch]

☀️ cult of dionysus

a playlist for my friend caz link to playlist: here tracklist and favorite lyrics below

1. only as good as my god - everything everything And on the steps of my church There, I'm chasing down a red girl with my hooves upon a- Ooh - Wild Ooh - Child If they crawl out of the mud Wash them away in a flood I'm only as good as my god Burnt hair and more money 2. disciples - captain murphy Don't you want devoted followers? Who leave their families for you Give their money to you Give their bodies to you Give up their lives for you Consider you God, and will kill for you Don't you want to become a cult leader? Since the death of God there has been a vacancy open You can fill that void, here is how 3. dionysus - bts Just get drunk like Dionysus Drink in one hand, Thyrsus on the other Art splashing inside this clear crystal cup Art is alcohol too, if you can drink it, you'll get drunk fool I'm now in front of the door to the world The cheers I hear when I get up on stage Can’t you see my stacked broken thyrsus At last I’m reborn 4. good hand - turbowolf And I say No pain, no gain That's the mantra I'm repeating No sun, no rain That's the mantra I'm repeating No pain, no gain, no sun, no No pain, no gain, no sun, no rain 5. addicted to love - robert palmer Your lights are on, but you're not home Your will is not your own You're heart sweats and teeth grind Another kiss and you'll be mine 6. cult of dionysus - the orion experience Or start a secret society for the wild and free Our ideology is "You can do what you want Too much is never enough" We are the Life, we are the light We are the envy of the Gods above 7. hitting on all sevens - lyndon smith Make of me a subject caste Pressed and kept beneath thy glass Every heart thy sent in heaven Always hitting on all sevens One by one as ordered Flank to flank and facing forward Hanging by the word In chapter, verse and sentence heard 8. touch tone telephone - lemon demon Don't hang up yet, I'm not done I'm an expert, I'm the one The one who was right all along Better to be laughed at than wrong I'm an expert in my field UFOlogy, yes, it's all real Ancient aliens, it's all true I'm an expert just like you 9. sundial - lemon demon Don't mind me, I've just got some problems to work out I'm only passing through or maybe just right out Somehow something set my sundial backwards tilted and upside-down Now the shadow hand is pointing time right out of town I don't remember what it is that I just said to you I've got Anubis on my back and something in my shoe 10. mother’s talk - tears for fears It's not that you're not good enough It's just that we can make you better Given that you pay the price We can keep you young and tender Following in the footsteps of a funeral pyre You were paid not to listen now your house is on fire 11. light up the night - the protomen There is a city that this darkness can't hide. There are the embers of a fire that's gone out, But I can still feel the heat on my skin. This mess we're in, well you and I, Maybe you and I, We can light up the night. 12. pure morning - placebo A friend in need's a friend indeed, A friend who'll tease is better, Our thoughts compressed, Which makes us blessed, And makes for stormy weather, 13. aspiring fires - mother mother Baby, so you think you know crazy I think you know what you know, But what you know you don't know for sure A little advice for aspiring fires You'll get put out if you don't get a little wild Try again, try again, it ain't right You don't got the due diligence to lose your mind You're not getting it right 14. oh ana - mother mother I'll play god I'll play god I'll play god I'll play god today Ante up and play that god a poker game Walk away with all our little God's spare change Playing this god it can't be good for— Ana's safety, Ana hear me ! 15. this devil’s workday - modest mouse So I ate the wedding cake 'til the whole damn thing was gone. And I'm gonna drown the ocean. Now ain't none o' that so wrong? I could buy myself a reason. I could sell myself a job. I could hang myself on treason. Oh I am my own damn god. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha 16. kiss me son of god - they might be giants I look like Jesus, so they say But Mr. Jesus is very far away Now you're the only one here who can tell me if it's true That you love me and I love me And a world screams, "Kiss me, Son of God" Yes a world screams, "Kiss me, Son of God" 17. personal jesus - depeche mode Take second best Put me to the test Things on your chest You need to confess I will deliver You know I'm a forgiver 18. charlie’s inferno - that handsome devil Catch you later, I'm off to see the man upstairs They all look like ants from here Stars and crystal chandeliers Excuse me, sir! There must be someone you've confused me for If I could see someone who knew me or someone in uniform I go to church on sunday, truly, usually more! Screaming at the angels while they pushed him through the door! 19. old 45s - chromeo Don't wanna settle Or didn't you get the memo You only get a date if you're walking in stilettos This is enough to drive you mad If you think romance is dead and gone Find an old jukebox full of 45's Pop a nickel in it and it all comes back 20. down at the midnight rectory - ted neeley Down, down, down at the midnight rectory! With jiggle juice frisking under the marquee! The peacocks are strutting behind velvet ropes, Sipping away on their heavenly dope. Gimme two alleluia's and an amen! 21. elevate - dj khalil Can't stop me, can't break me (can't break) What don't kill me, gon' make me (gon' make) Shoot for the stars, no safety (no safety) And now I see clear in HD 'Cause I win, over and over again Battlin' evil, I'm hopin' to win Fightin' my demons, I'm nice for a reason Enticed with the bleedin', I'm showin' my sins 22. come along - cosmo sheldrake We'll dance and sing 'til sundown And feast with abandon We'll sleep when the morning comes And we'll rise by the sound of the birdsongs We'll be here when the world slows down And the sunbeams fade away Keeping time by a pendulum As the fabric starts to fray 23. just one yesterday - fall out boy I thought of angels Choking on their halos Get them drunk on rose water See how dirty I can get them Pulling out their fragile teeth And clip their tiny wings If heaven's grief brings hell's rain Then I'd trade all my tomorrows for just one yesterday 24. church - fall out boy And if death is the last appointment Then we're all just sitting in the waiting room I am just a human trying to avoid my certain doom If you were church, yeah I'd get on my knees Confess my love, I'd know where to be My sanctuary, you're holy to me 25. beast dance - kurage p Cast aside your humanity, before you have to grovel on the ground, being at the bottom of society. You want to be loved? In that case, come on. ”Roar roar roar roar roar roar” Inside the cage, ‘kay? 26. black and white - MASA Pour the gospel echoing through the world into your glass. Black&White! Practice your faith through shots and prayers. Open the bottle. Black&White! 27. sister’s mercy - hitoshizuku-p Jesus!! Pray and pray Believer, if you demand for salvation Oh Yeah!! Then pay up more and more for this Bright Red, now! Cheers!! Pour and pour When you’ve filled your stomach with this bright Red, Aa! All your wishes will come true 28. inferno pt. 2 - the buttress The depth of my breadth is unmet I'm becoming unraveled on the road less traveled I know Jesus wept But I abhor the Lord Fell on my sword Forever slept 29. let’s just live - casey lee williams Let's just live Just one day Let's forget about our problems Let's fall in love with life And just be free The sun will never fade The night won't steal our day Let's dance and laugh and love And let's just live 30. ignite - casey lee williams Fool, you shouldn't stare into these eyes of fire You're goin' to regret this little fight You don't wanna mess with me, I'm something higher You'll watch yourself suffer You'll watch me ignite 31. god’s gonna cut you down - johnny cash Well you may throw your rock and hide your hand Workin' in the dark against your fellow man But as sure as God made black and white What's down in the dark will be brought to the light 32. royals - lorde Let me be your ruler (Ruler) You can call me queen bee And baby, I'll rule (I'll rule, I'll rule, I'll rule) Let me live that fantasy 33. you should see me in a crown - billie eilish Count my cards, watch them fall Blood on a marble wall I'm gonna run this nothing town Watch me make 'em bow One by one by, one One by one by You should see me in a crown 34. rev 22:20 - puscifer Pray til I go blind (Pray) Pray cause no one ever survives Prayin' to stay in her arms just to die longer Satyrs and saints, devils and heathens and lies 35. this must be the place - talking heads Home, is where I want to be But I guess I'm already there I come home, she lifted up her wings I guess that this must be the place I'm just an animal looking for a home and Share the same space for a minute or two And you love me till my heart stops Love me till I'm dead 36. razzle dazzle -  richard gere Give 'em the old razzle dazzle Razzle Dazzle 'em Give 'em an act with lots of flash in it And the reaction will be passionate Give 'em the old hocus pocus Bead and feather 'em How can they see with sequins in their eyes? 37. you’ll be back - jonathan groff You say our love is draining and you can't go on You'll be the one complaining when I am gone And no, don't change the subject 'Cause you're my favorite subject My sweet, submissive subject My loyal, royal subject Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever 38. no light, no light - florence and the machine No light, no light in your bright blue eyes I never knew daylight could be so violent A revelation in the light of day You can't choose what stays and what fades away 'Cause it's so easy, To say it to a crowd But it's so hard, my love, To say it to you out loud 39. shiny happy people - r.e.m Meet me in the crowd, people, people Throw your love around, love me, love me Take it into town, happy, happy Put it in the ground where the flowers grow Gold and silver shine Shiny happy people holding hands Shiny happy people holding hands Shiny happy people laughing 40. a good song never dies - saint motel There was a moment, a hole opened in the sky A chance to join that pantheon For all the times they never heard your battle cry Now be an angel, sing along 'Cause a good song never dies It just reminds you of where you were The first time it made you cry The first time you felt alive 41. king of the clouds - panic at the disco Some only live to die, I'm alive to fly higher Than angels in outfields inside of my mind I'm ascendin' these ladders, I'm climbin', say goodbye This old world, this old world I don't trust anything Or anyone, below the sun I don't feel anything At all 42. battle for the sun - placebo I, I, I will battle for the sun, sun, sun, sun And I, I, I, I am the bones you couldn't break Break, break, break, break, break, break, break 43. walk like an egyptian - the bangles All the school kids so sick of books They like the punk and the metal band When the buzzer rings (oh whey oh) They're walking like an Egyptian All the school kids so sick of books They like the punk and the metal band When the buzzer rings (oh whey oh) They're walking like an Egyptian 44. credens justitiam - yuriko kaida and eri itoh Free, they are With no malice they sing quietly And they told me that my song was louder/lighter Their song Releases the day of all malice I want to be like them And my mind (their minds are) Free 45. 99.9 - mob choir The protagonist of this stage is me Cryin' my life, cryin' my psyche Cryin' my heart in such commonplaces Is this my ideal? Is this my mind? Ahh, I’m looking for the answer ! 46. cruel angels thesis - yoko takahasi But someday you will notice On those shoulders of yours There are strong wings To guide you to the far future. If there is any meaning In the fate that pulled us together, Then I am, yes, the Bible That teaches you of freedom. A cruel angel's thesis And then sorrow comes forth 47. peace and love on the planet earth - zach callison I guess we're already here I guess we already know We've all got something to fear We've all got nowhere to go I think you're all insane! But I guess I am too Is there anything that's worth more? Is there anything that's worth more? Is there anything that's worth more Than peace and love on the planet Earth? 48. now we can see - the thermals We were born in the desert We were reared in a cave We conquered in the sun but we lived in the shade We were born on an island we grew out of the sand Never saw another creature never knew another man 49. love today - mika I said Everybody's gonna love today Gonna love today, gonna love today I said Everybody's gonna love today Gonna love today Anyway you want to, anyway you've got to Love, love me, love, love me, love, love 50. where is my mind? - the pixies With your feet on the air and your head on the ground Try this trick and spin it, yeah Your head will collapse If there's nothing in it And you'll ask yourself .. Where is my mind? Where is my mind?

[weclassybouquetfun]

Mistakes were made in its final season, but by the warrior, the father, the mother and by the old gods and the new, I will always love my Westerosi babies.

Even ones who didn't stick around long.

And when we lose we still win because Game of Thrones may have lost Best Ensemble but it went to "The Crown". And who is in this season of "The Crown"? Tobias "Edmure - He Who Can't Aim" Tulley" Menzies and...

Ben Daniels!

And who is Ben Daniels married to?

Ian Gelder who played Kevan "Not With the Shits" Lannister".

We still win!!

Because "Game of Thrones" employed hundreds of actors you can't turn on the TV or go to the cinemas without seeing someone from the show.  We all know that Kit Harington and Richard Madden will be in "The Eternals", Lena Headey's short is up for a BAFTA and she will be in Showtime's "Rita" and playing Bill Sykes in an update of "Oliver Twist", but we have Mark Addy (Robert Barantheon) and Gemma Whelan (Yara Greyjoy) on "White House Farm", Ralph Inerson (Dagmer) in "Doolittle", Anton Lesser (Quyburn) in "The Trial Of Christine Keeler",  Clive Russell (Blackfish Tully) in the second episode of "Dracula", Alfie Allen (Theon Greyjoy) in "Jojo Rabbit" and "Harlots", Dean-Charles Chapman (Tommen Barantheon) in "1917"

 Lino Falconi (Lord Robyn "Still Breastfeeding" Arryn) in "Sex Education"

Jonathan Pryce (The High Sparrow) in "The Two Popes", Catrice Van Houten (Melissandre) in "Temple", Nathalie Emmanuel (Missandei) in "Four Weddings and a Funeral", Jessica Henwick (Nymeria Sand) in "Underwater",  Richard Dormer (Beric Dondarrion) in "Cobra", Natalie Dormer (Margaery) in "Penny Dreadful: City of Angels", Finn Jones (Loras Tyrell) in "Dickinson", Indira Varma (Ellaria Sand) in "Carnival Row", Pedro Pascal (Oberyn Martell) in "The Mandalorian", Iain Glen (Jorah Mormont) in "Titans", Bella Ramsey (Lyanna Mormont) in "Judy" and Art Parkinson (Rickon Stark) in "The Bay".

And Florence Pugh is sister to Toby Sebastian who played Trystane Martell so whatever she wins falls under "Game of Thrones" hold.

Don't question my logic, just roll with it.

[heyyyharry]

My Girl Series: Chapter 7 - Birthday Blues

…in which Harry tries to make it up to Y/N for all the birthdays he has missed.

Series description: Y/N falls in love with the older boy next door who doesn’t feel the same, years later they meet again at a funeral.

AU: actor!harry, older!harry, younger!y/n; (4-year age gap)

Chapter 6: This Time - Y/N needs a wedding date, and this time Harry’s not giving up.

wattpad link

.

After Harry had left Holmes Chapel, every spark of joy in Y/N's life slowly died out with the part of him inside of her. The day she turned fifteen was also the first time she'd spent a birthday alone. Celine was abroad for a three-month exchange program. Her grandma, who lived in Brighton had just passed away, so both of her parents had to go there for the funeral. Since she refused to come along, they left her home with her mother's younger sister, aunt Lynn, who was only twenty-two at the time and didn't even bother to remember her name.

"Sweet baby, do not tell your parents that I invite some friends over, okay? Your mum is gonna be so mad," the young woman said, holding Y/N by the shoulders and the teenage girl could only pay attention to the sound of her aunt chewing bubble gum. For some reasons, Lynn always had something in her mouth. If she wasn't chewing gum, she had to make sure her mouth was kept busy by eating something, or someone. Y/N had met her three times before but each time she was snogging a different guy. Sadly she was the only option for a 'babysitter', just because Y/N's parents didn't believe their fifteen-year-old daughter was capable of staying home alone.

"But today is—"

"Shit!" The woman exclaimed, holding her head. "You're right! It's Friday night, I should throw a party. Play with your dolls, baby. Your aunt has adult stuff to take care of."

"My dolls?" Y/N muttered under her breath as the bedroom door was slammed shut in front of her eyes. Putting on her favorite song and turning off all the lights, she lied down, staring at the spinning fan above her head.

All the kids her age probably spent their fifteenth getting drunk and making out with their crushes, or losing their virginity without their parents knowing. But there she was, locked in her room while her aunt was having all the fun she was supposed to have. For the first time in her life, she found herself alone. She'd always been a loner, yet she had never actually felt it until that night. She stayed utter still in silence, holding Thumper close to her chest. The stuffed animal could probably hear every sound of her heart cracking open. Her mother wasn't there to tell her what a woman she'd become, nor was Harry to sing her the birthday song. It was just her, alone in the dark, with a purple bunny that still smelt just like him.

.

.

.

Celine always said that working in the library was the worst decision Y/N had ever made, because there was no job more boring than organizing dusty old books. But the thing was, Y/N loved her boring job. She mainly got paid for sorting and shelving books according to their categorization, which wasn't really hard work, not to mention that Ms. Florence, the librarian, was really easy-going. Y/N got to spend most of her time in the fiction section, avoiding her responsibilities to read and write as much as she wanted. Besides, she really liked her co-worker, whose name was Alice.

Alice was a year younger than Y/N. She liked to talk and Y/N liked to listen, so they were pretty compatible. Finding a drinking buddy in university was easy, Y/N had plenty of them; the hard part was finding a buddy you could trust. So even though Alice wasn't what Y/N would consider a close friend, she could be someone to count on.

"Why is it that every time I see you, you're reading something?"

Alice's voice pulled Y/N's attention away from the novel on her lap, as she looked up and found the tiny brunette smiling at her. Y/N leaned back against the bookshelf, crossing her legs so there was room on the floor for Alice to sit down as well.

"I have a surprise for you, big sis!" Alice said, making Y/N roll her eyes and chuckle.

"You've found another porn book, haven't ya?"

"No! An actual surprise!" The younger girl giggled, then finally showed Y/N what she'd been hiding behind her back. "Ta-da! Two tickets to see Heathers!"

"Heathers The Musical?" Y/N dropped her jaw when the other girl nodded. "I love Heathers!"

"I bet you do! You seem like someone who enjoys dark comedy with tragic endings."

Alice's comment made her laugh, but she couldn't say it wasn't true. Her life itself was already a dark comedy.

"Are you giving me these for free?" She asked, pointing to the tickets and Alice's lips curved into a smile as she nodded fast in response.

"I bought these to go with a friend next week, but we're both gonna be busy that night. So just consider this as my temporary birthday gift to you. I'll buy you something else tomorrow."

"How do you know today's my birthday?" Y/N's eyes went round as her mouth fell open, yet the grin on the other girl's face only expanded.

"I was cleaning Ms. Florence's desk this morning when I found your CV. I didn't have time to actually get you something so—"

"Alice..."

"I know you hate birthdays, but please accept these tickets or else I'll die!"

Y/N rolled her eyes, chuckling a bit at how dramatic that sounded, but eventually, she accepted the birthday gift from her co-worker, and thanked the girl for being so thoughtful. "By the way, there's really no need to get me something else," she said, making Alice snort.

"Don't be silly! You're getting a proper birthday gift from me." Alice barely stood up when she flopped onto the floor again. "Oh, and one more thing! Do you wanna go out tonight? I know this pub that's—"

"No, thanks. I've got a lot of work to do tonight."

"But it's your birthday!"

Y/N gave the girl a shrug, lifting a corner of her mouth as she replied, "I never celebrate it."

"Boo, you suck!" Like a child, Alice blew up her cheeks, eyebrows knitted together. "But if you change your mind, ring me up, big sis!"

Y/N tried to contain her laughter as she watched Alice hop away and almost fall head first when she tripped over a stool. It was only when her clumsy co-worker had gone out of sight that Y/N finally checked her watch and realized her shift was just over. She rose from the floor to place the book back on the shelf, then put the tickets into her bag before heading out. Usually, she would always be the last person to leave, but since it was her birthday, she still wanted to do something special for herself, even if it was something as simple as going home before Ms. Florence.

Instead of taking the bus, that day Y/N decided to walk home. For the first time in two years living in that city, the girl finally paid attention to what was going on around her; it was also the first time she had realized how boring London had always been. The grey color of concrete dominated the entire city; it was hard to spot a hint of green anywhere, unlike Holmes Chapel, her home.

Y/N missed that place so much, now more than ever.

She missed the meadows behind her house at springtime, when all the wildflowers added vibrant colors to the fading green. She missed the tall pine trees surrounding a field full of white poppies. She used to run across that field, imagining herself in the opening scene of The Sound of Music, and she could still hear Harry's voice calling out "Bambi, wait for me!" as he tried to catch up with her.

He was the green that she missed the most.

The sound of her ringtone cut right through that thought, causing the vivid images before her eyes to fade back to monochrome. His name showed up on the screen, as if he knew she had been thinking about him.

"Hello?" She answered, standing close to the wall on her right so she wouldn't get in the way of the other pedestrians.

"Are you on the way home?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, I'm just a few blocks away. Why?"

"I'm coming over."

She snorted, pursing her dry lips. "I'm busy tonight, remember? Birthday dinner with Isaac?" That lie was as smooth as melting butter coming from her mouth, yet her insides were heating up and her hands started to shake. She was glad he couldn't see the way she shut her eyes and pressed her lips into a firm line after lying to him.

"I'll see you in five."

"Wait, I said—" Y/N began, yet couldn't finish. Harry had already hung up on her.

.

.

.

The sun was sinking fast now, turning the sky to grey tinged with purple and pink. Harry was already waiting by his car outside the building when Y/N returned, standing with his back facing the ruby-red skyline. With golden-rays casting down upon him, Y/N thought Harry glowed even brighter than the sun itself. But of course, he didn't have to know.

"Happy birthday." His voice was husky and deep as he handed her a white poppy. "Just like the ones back home," he said, and the reluctance from her expression made him feel the need to add, "I didn't buy it. I stole it from a flower shop on the way here."

Y/N didn't know if that was true, but his slop-sided grin made her doubt every single one of his words.

"Headline: Harry Styles stole a flower for a mystery girl!" She said, swiping her hand across the air like she was presenting the idea to him, which only made the beam on his face grow twice as big as he pointed to his car. "Get in, kid," he told her. "Before what you said become reality."

"Where are we going?" She asked in hesitation.

"To your birthday party."

"My birthday party?! But I'm—"

"I'm sure we've got a lot of time before Isaac returns from Italy to take you to dinner."

That one sentence got Y/N tongue-tied. The girl couldn't make a single sound, instead, she was gawking at him like a fool. What did she expect though? He would find out sooner or later because he was still friends with Isaac. So all she could do at that moment was try to come up with an explanation, in case he asked her to tell him why she'd lied. However, he didn't ask her anything. Harry flashed a smile as he walked back to his car and told her to come along. But Y/N refused. She couldn't just follow him blindly without knowing exactly where they were going.

"You're not taking me to a fancy restaurant, are you?"

"Bambi, the last thing I want is for the paps to eat you alive." Harry chuckled and opened the car door for the girl. "Don't worry, kid. It's just gonna be the two of us."

.

.

.

The loud music and laughter from downstairs made it almost impossible for Y/N to even hear the voice inside her head. The birthday blues made it hard for her to stay awake, yet she couldn't sleep either, and there was no way she could talk her aunt into ending the party. Lynn was probably drunk off her ass right now, so Y/N knew the only place for her to be alone with her depressing thoughts was the treehouse. She hadn't gone back there since the night she last saw Harry, but she guessed it had become such a big part of her that she couldn't stay away no matter how much she'd tried.

Still in her pajamas, the fifteen-year-old climbed the rope ladder to get to her childhood spot. The floor was still wet from the rain yesterday, so she leaned against the doorway and stood there to ponder on her own. However, it didn't take her more than three minutes to burst into tears.

Y/N hated crying, it was physically and emotionally painful to cry, and when it was over, what was left was just...nothing. Emptiness. Nevertheless, crying was how Y/N understood herself best. When she cried, she knew who she was. And she had always thought, just like a heartbreak, though crying left her feeling empty when it was over, she would still sigh in relief, because, at least, she knew it was the end.

"Y/N!"

When she heard that voice, the girl stepped closer to the edge of the treehouse and looked down at her neighbor's garden, where she found Harry's big sister with one hand behind her back and the other waving in the air. Y/N quickly wiped away the remaining tears on her cheeks, feeling thankful because if Gemma had come earlier, she might have already seen Y/N bawling her eyes out.

"Gemma! When did you get back?"

"Just a couple days ago. I'm home for two weeks to work on my thesis." The other Styles chuckled. "Glad I found you out here, I was just about to come over."

"To see me?" Y/N lifted both eyebrows, pointing to herself and receiving a nod from her neighbor.

"Yeah, come down here. I have something for you."

The teenage girl hesitated a bit because she couldn't figure out why Gemma wanted to see her and had something for her. Even though she used to hang out with Harry, she was never that close to his older sister. But she climbed down anyway, curious to know what Gemma had behind her back.

"Happy birthday," said the 23-year-old as she handed Y/N the birthday gift she'd been hiding that whole time.

A snow globe.

It didn't have a snowman and a Christmas tree like the ones you normally found in souvenir shops. The one Gemma gave her had colorful glitter inside instead of fake snow; and it was a miniature London, with tiny versions of Big Ben, the London Eye, and the Tower Bridge.

But all Y/N could see, was a person.

"You remember my birthday?" The younger girl asked quietly as she received the gift from her lovely neighbor, who was smiling from ear to ear.

"Of course," Gemma said. "I came to your birthday party every year. But I guess you don't like them anymore, huh?"

"Yeah..." Y/N faked a laugh, hoping her awkward eye-roll didn't give away the fact that she was just lonely.

"Well, I'd love to stay and chat but I must get back to work now."

"Sure. Thanks for the nice gift," said Y/N. "Where did you get it by the way?"

"Bought it when I was in London last week."

Y/N didn't say anything else and just watched the older girl walk back to her house. Of course, she wanted to ask Gemma about Harry, but it was so sad to even think about him right now. His sister remembered her birthday and even got her a present, yet she hadn't heard a single word from him since the day he left. He was supposed to be her friend, or was it just another thing she had fooled herself into believing?

Holding the little London between her palms, she thought that maybe it was time to let go of the London inside her heart.

.

.

.

"Don't peek!"

"I'm not peeking!"

Y/N giggled, holding the hand that was covering her eyes as Harry carefully led her up the stairs, giving her directions so she wouldn't trip and cause them both to fall over. She extended her arms once they had reached the top, feeling the cold metal surface in front of them. The creaking sound caused her to flinch, so Harry quickly reassured the girl that it was just him opening the door. She could feel his other hand reaching around her waist to pull the handle, and a cold breeze blew right through her thin shirt. Y/N immediately took a step backward and bumped into Harry's firm chest. She felt the pressure of his fingertips on her hip as he gently pushed her forward, for the third time that night, telling her to trust him.

"If I didn't trust you I wouldn't have walked up all these floors with my eyes closed." She giggled, and his soft laughter sent shivers down her spine.

"Sit," he ordered, holding the girl by the arms to guide her into a chair; and when she was finally seated, Harry leaned in so his lips were close to her ear as he whispered, "open your eyes."

Y/N did what she was told.

Slowly, she opened her eyes.

The girl had begun to envision her surroundings ever since the cool air hit her skin for the first time as she stepped out, yet what she saw was far from her imagination.

They were sitting on a rooftop of a tall building somewhere in London. From her spot, Y/N could see the entire city spread below, tiny vehicles rushing along tangled roads. The city lights looked like stars dropping to the Earth, making her feel as if they were being squeezed between two galaxies. There were no words magical enough to describe what she was seeing, so Y/N didn't say anything, and just took in a deep breath to let it go with the biggest smile on her face.

It was windy on the roof, so Harry took off his coat and wrapped it around her shoulders. They sat side by side on two wooden chairs, staring at the city and the sky above, completely mesmerized by such beauty, which had completely changed Y/N's opinion about London. Maybe from a different and higher view, it wasn't plain and dull after all.

"Almost like Holmes Chapel, huh?" She heard him speak and turned to look at him. Harry was gazing up with a beam on his face as he pointed to the sky, and told her the names of the stars he knew, not aware that she wasn't really listening. She was too busy looking at him, and thinking, maybe somewhere underneath that man was still the little boy she used to know.

"Oh, I forgot!" He suddenly flinched and turned to pick up the box at his feet. "I made this for you. But...the rest of the batch...already ended up in the trash bin."

He opened the box and revealed one single cupcake with a candle on top. It didn't look terrible, still, it wasn't a very pretty cupcake either. But if that was the best out of the whole batch, Y/N couldn't help but snort as she tried to imagine what the other ones looked like.

"Hey, don't laugh at me! At least I tried!"

"Okay, okay." Y/N bit her lip to hold back a smile. She didn't know why it was so endearing that he'd exerted himself to make her one cupcake. Even if he'd got it from a store instead, she would still be overjoyed.

"Can I eat it now?" She asked, but he quickly shook his head no.

"You have to make a wish first."

Y/N giggled, eyes bored into Harry as he looked around to find something else. "Shit!" His jaw went slack. "The lighter! I forgot the lighter."

"Relax, lemme check," Y/N mumbled, reaching inside the inner pocket of his coat to search for the object, and she felt something like a little triangle box, assuming it was the lighter. But when she took it out, both of them froze as they saw what it really was.

A pack of cigarettes.

Y/N's mouth fell open, she was speechless, and so was he. "Harry..." Her voice was quiet when she looked at him. "Do you smoke?"

"No." He shook his head fast. "N-Not anymore."

"Really?"

"Why would I lie?" A blush crept up his face as he made eye-contact with her. "If I still smoked, I would have a lighter with me, right?"

That sounded like a good enough reason for her to believe him. Moreover, he didn't smell like someone who smoked, and she'd never seen him with a cigarette between his fingers before. So apparently he was telling the truth. Y/N inhaled deeply as she nodded, squeezing his hand for more assurance.

"Smoking could kill you. So don't...don't go back to it..." The way she could barely maintain eye contact while saying that to him made his heart flutter somehow. He took her other hand, linking their fingers together as he asked, "are you worried about me?"

"Of course I am," she said without pause. "I can't bear the thought of losing you."

The corners of her mouth turned down and her whole face contorted so he knew she was serious when she said those words. After all this time, he still mattered to her; and knowing that was like getting a heavy weight lifted off his chest.

.

.

.

Harry sank into his chair, holding the mini calendar above his face. "It's already April," he mumbled to himself, but his roommate Isaac assumed Harry was talking to him, so he replied, "yeah, almost time for finals."

It wasn't finals that came to Harry's mind when he thought about April, it was a birthday actually. He rarely remembered birthdays, and sometimes he forgot his own; but for some reasons, he always remembered hers. He hadn't spoken to Y/N since the night he left, and he could never forget the way she looked at him when she asked him to kiss her. It was awkward, yet it was sad. She truly cared about him, and he could never repay the same kind of feelings because she was too young. So he didn't know how to talk to her again after everything she'd confessed. The last thing he wanted was to lead her on and lull her into believing that one day he might feel the same. He knew he could never like her back the way she wanted him to.

However, it would be a lie to say he didn't miss her. He missed her a lot. How could he forget about his little Bambi? She was the only girl he'd spent the best years of his childhood protecting and looking after. She was something more than just the girl next door, and he kept the image on her face on the treehouse that night in his memory as he left Holmes Chapel with no intention of coming back. Every time he thought about her, a part of him wanted to pay her a visit, but he was glad he didn't change his mind. But now her birthday was coming close, and he knew she wanted him to be there with her. He wanted to be there with her. But he couldn't.

"Isaac," Harry broke the silence in the dorm room, turning his head to look at his best friend who was lying on the bed. "What should I give a fifteen-year-old girl for her birthday?"

The sudden question made Isaac lift an eyebrow. "I thought you only had a big sister?"

"Uhm...it's actually for my...my...cousin."

"Well, I'm bad at this stuff. Why don't you ask Niall?"

Harry rolled his eyes and scoffed. "He would just give me crazy ideas."

"Then ask the birthday girl herself." Isaac shrugged, sticking out his bottom lip. "I mean, try to be subtle and find out what she likes without giving away the fact that you don't know what to get her."

If only it was that easy. Harry shook his head and put the calendar back down. He used to be the one who knew about her more than anyone else, probably only second to her mother, he should be able to know what she liked, but right now he didn't. He knew nothing about her anymore. It was only then that he started to feel bad for all the time he didn't spend with her. But had he not kept his distance, their goodbye would've been much harder.

So he tried to think, swirling the pencil in his hand for a couple seconds. And finally, an idea came to his mind. Maybe there could be a way for him to come back to her after all.

.

.

.

For the rest of the night, Harry and Y/N sat in their chairs, eating pizza for dinner while discussing irrelevant topics like the existence of aliens, strange kinds of flowers, as well as their favorite movies, songs, and books. Soon both grew tired so they fell back to silence. He was staring at the city, and she was taking in the sight of him.

"Are you mad that I lied to you?" Her sudden question made him turn around with an eyebrow raised. "You know, about Isaac."

"I'm not mad at you, kid. But I'd like to know what happened..." Harry couldn't say he had heard most of the story from Niall because he wanted Y/N to tell him herself, if she trusted him enough, and of course, he didn't expect her to. But somehow she did. She ended up telling him everything.

"I didn't want Isaac to turn down the job offer for a relationship that would probably never work." She sighed with her chin on her knuckles, hooded eyes staring blankly ahead. "I liked him a lot. And I thought to myself that if he asked me to be his girlfriend, I would say yes immediately. But when it happened, I got scared. I couldn't let him in because I was afraid that if he knew too much about me, he wouldn't like me anymore. I guess I'm just not ready to fall in love again, and I don't want him to wait for me to be ready. My first and only relationship didn't end very well. So I didn't have the heart to let the same thing happen to us." Holding her breath, she said, "He's too good for me anyway. I'm better off alone."

"Nobody is better off alone," Harry spoke at last, a line appeared between his brows. "Everyone needs someone."

"Not me." She shrugged, and the look in her eyes broke his heart in a million pieces. "I'm sorry I had to lie to you...I didn't want you to do anything for my birthday. I've troubled you enough already."

"But you're not troubling me, love. I did all of this because I wanted to. I...I care about you."

She couldn't remember the last time she heard him say those words, or if he'd ever said them at all. So to hear them now made her feel happy and sad at the same time. If there was one thing that she'd learned from their 'relationship' it would be, Harry's words weren't always credible.

"How did you find this place though?" She changed the subject, putting on a smile to lighten up the mood, which had gotten a bit blue since Isaac was mentioned. She could see it from the look on his face that he was also glad she'd brought up something else.

"Niall's uncle owns this building. They're doing some reconstructing so it's closed for a couple months. It might be the only place we could be together without people bothering us."

"Thank you." Y/N took in a long breath as she smiled. "I've never seen London so beautiful."

"Agreed." Harry nodded fast. In this bad lighting, his dimples seemed even deeper than they actually were. "But my favorite is the winter time. The city looks best when it's covered in snow."

Those last words made Y/N's head turn as her eyes went round.

"It was you, wasn't it?" she cried out, causing the man to jump in shock. He was meant to ask, but she didn't even let him have his chance. "The snow globe! You asked Gemma to give it to me, did you?!"

"Ouch!" He yelped when she smacked him hard on the arm. The girl didn't look very sorry when he rubbed the sore spot and his brows drew together in utter perplexity.

"Why did you ask her to lie for you?! I was so sad, I thought you didn't remember my birthday!"

"I thought it was for the best if you forgot about me, after..."

There was a pause, a gap for her to fill in.

"Our first kiss...I know," she mumbled at last.

It was weird to talk about it now, since both of them had been pretending like the kiss she'd stolen from him when she was fourteen had never happened. After all, she was fourteen at the time, he couldn't blame her for acting so impulsive. But recently he'd been thinking about it and wondering if her feelings back then had been all true.

Her eyes darted as she whispered under her breath, but still loud enough for him to hear, "why didn't you send me anything on my birthday next year or the ones after that?"

"I...I wanted to...I almost did." He swallowed hard while fidgeting in his seat. "But Gemma said you were seeing this boy, so I thought I should stay away from your life and let you forget about me for good. Then time passed and I actually didn't think a lot about you, until..."

She nodded without waiting for him to finish, her lashes fluttered as sadness overtook her face. After a moment of thinking, she asked, "if you could turn back time, would you come back to see me?"

"Yes," he answered. "Without a second thought."

Y/N had seen Harry in a lot of different situations, yet she'd never seen him like that, all flustered and ill at ease. She loved the way the rings on his fingers sparkled as he was nervously toying with the hem of his shirt. She loved it when even under the dim lights surrounding them, she could see a blush creep up his face. She knew better, that it was never good when she felt so drawn to him, yet she couldn't stop, so she released a slight laugh, which got his attention.

"Why are you laughing?" He asked.

Shaking her head with the grin still remained, she said, "nothing."

.

.

.

As he walked with her five floors up to her flat, Harry struggled to find something to say so the silence carried on until they reached her front door. He couldn't explain why he was at a loss for words every time he stood in front of her. He knew her well, he'd grown up with this girl. But deep down inside he knew it wasn't like that, not anymore. He knew his heart had more to say about her than it should, and the way it began to race whenever she was around had him frustrated most of the times.

He watched her unlock her front door and turn to say goodbye. But just when she was about to leave, he stopped her by taking her hand. It wasn't the first time they'd held hands, still, he let hers go after about two seconds like it was hot coal burning his skin. Maybe it was, maybe she was, yet he couldn't stay away because he enjoyed the burn. With round Bambi eyes, she stared at him, slightly puzzled by his strange behaviors. Harry asked her to wait. He searched in his pants pocket, finally pulling out a silver locket necklace.

"Your birthday present."

"Harry—"

He shushed her right away, telling her to turn around as he took a step closer to put the chain around her neck. His fingers brushed against her collarbone only once, but it was enough for both of them to flinch at the contact. Y/N gently touched the heart-shaped locket now lying on her chest, then opened it to find a tiny photo of her mother.

"So you could always keep her by your heart," he whispered, his voice was low and hot against her ear.

Slowly, Y/N turned around, but Harry didn't pull away so they were just one step away from pressing against each other. She meant to just thank him and go inside her flat, but as she parted her lip, not a single sound managed to escape. Her cheeks turned pink, her bottom lip was quivering as she batted her lashes. She had never looked into his eyes for that long, and the look he was giving her made her pupils dilated. It was the same look she'd seen him give that blonde haired girl on the treehouse when he was seventeen. He had never looked at Y/N that way before, and now he did. If only she could read his mind, she would know he was also trying to do the same.

Harry knew it was wrong, but he couldn't resist. The last time he had the same feeling, he wasn't thinking straight so he went for it by instinct. Now he knew exactly what was happening, and still, he didn't stop it. He leaned in a little closer, their foreheads touching. He expected her to pull away or even slap him for making that bold move, yet she stayed exactly where she was, chest heaving with anticipation. Her scent was flooding his senses, and the second he finally found the courage to place his hands on her hips, it was she who decided the next move.

Her lips brushed against his. Not innocently, but hot and passionately, he wanted to pull away before he lost control, but like a magnet, she drew him in more and now he was stuck. "Harry," she whispered slowly, making his heart flutter as he clasped his hands on either side of her face.

That kiss wasn't like the first or the second, this time it was an open-mouthed, almost sexual kiss. He pushed her against the door, loving the way her body melted into his as their lips fitted perfectly like they were made for each other. She held his hair and he held her so tight as if he was afraid it wasn't real, and she would disappear the moment he loosened his grip. They broke away after what seemed like ages, and from the look in her eyes, he could tell she expected him to run, just like he had before.

But he didn't. Even if he wanted to, he knew his trembling feet wouldn't let him. She stood with her back against the door, him with one hand on her hip, the other fisted to rest beside her head. He inhaled sharply and she was still trying to steady her breathing. It took almost five seconds for either to open their eyes and look at the other person.

"Goodnight," she mumbled, reaching behind for the doorknob and the next thing he knew, she had fled inside and shut the door right in front of his face. Harry was left standing in the hallway like an idiot, not knowing what to do next. He lifted a fist, about to knock because there were still many things that he wanted to say to her, an apology was one of which. But he thought again and decided that he should probably go.

Harry left the building, stepping out on the street with his head still on the cloud as he kept touching his lips, trying not to smile so big or else people would think he was insane. But maybe he was, because he was too happy to act differently. He got into his car and sat there with both hands on the steering wheel, head tossed back, smiling contently. His whole face was red, but he didn't really mind. He was soaked in the scent of her perfume, and all he could think about was how he could possibly fall asleep with every trace of her lingering on his body.

His phone lit up in the dark, notifying a new text from Bambi which got him to sit up straight at once. His heart could've exploded when he read the first line, if the next one hadn't come on in less than a second.

⌲ Bambi: That kiss was a mistake.

⌲ Bambi: You're gonna have to earn it next time.

⌲ Next time? :)

⌲ Bambi: Don't be smug about it!

⌲ I'm not! But wait, on the scale from 1-10, how great was tonight? (minus the kiss)

⌲ Bambi: 7/10 (including the kiss)

⌲ Heeeeeey!

Sitting at her working desk, chin resting on her palm, Y/N cracked a smile. The birthday surprise, as well as the kiss they'd shared in the hallway,  were definitely 11/10. But she couldn't give it to him that easily. She placed her phone down, leaving his latest message on read as she touched the chain around her neck once again.

The London snow globe was still sitting on her desk, and she hadn't touched it in so long that it was a bit dusty now. She kept it there so it could remind her of the terrible birthday she should already forget, but she didn't want to. It was a way of telling herself that sometimes the people you loved would leave you behind, and that was just a cruel fact of life that one should just accept and carry on. But now that she knew it wasn't all true, the way she felt about the snow globe had also changed.

Quickly, she typed down 'Thank you for the locket' and sent it to him, then while waiting for him to reply, she sent another text right after.

⌲ I have two tickets to see Heathers The Musical

⌲ H: Yes.

⌲ I haven't even asked?

⌲ H: Whatever you're gonna ask, it's a yes.

⌲ Have you even watched Heathers?

⌲ H: There's always Google! Send me the date and time, my assistant will get back to you shortly.

⌲ Haha funny.

Y/N rolled her eyes and giggled as she snapped a quick shot of the tickets Alice had given her and sent it to him.

⌲ H: Wednesday night! I'm free!

⌲ You sure there's not another award show that night? I'm gonna kill you if you skip another one for me.

⌲ H: Nah I'm not supposed to attend any event next week. If you don't believe me, google it!

⌲ Oh God.

⌲ H: Say that instead of my name 'next time'.

Y/N's face turned scarlet when she read that line. She sucked in her bottom lip, face-palming herself with her eyes shut and wishing she hadn't moaned his name into the kiss. That couldn't have been more embarrassing. She typed down a few words, trying to come up with a reply that would save herself from the humiliation, yet she kept typing and deleting for three times or so. Then came two new messages from him.

⌲ H: It's late. Go to sleep Bambi. Good night.

⌲ H: Once again, happy birthday! :)

The twenty-year-old smiled to herself as she sent him back a goodnight text. Y/N knew she should get to bed now if she wanted to wake up early for a class in the morning. But she also knew it would take forever for her to fall asleep. This time, fortunately, it wasn't gonna be the birthday blues that kept her up all night.

[monstersandmaw]

Random question but do you have any songs that have meaning for you?

 I do! And here they are... They’re all important for what they represent in my life, not necessarily for their own merit, but most of them I really like... :). I love it when people send asks that are just ‘hey, Ghosti, here’s a random thing I wanna know’ haha. I’m always up for those.

___

Il centro del mondo by Ligabue reminds me of when I was 17 and living in Florence (and deeply fucking unhappy at the time) while studying Italian. At least I was surrounded by amazing gelato art history to distract me. This song was on the radio all the damned time and I still know most of the lyrics.

2nd mvt of Bruch’s violin concerto (also holy god, Itzhak Perlman is just... mindbogglingly talented) reminds me of performing it when I was about 18, of my wedding (I walked in to this), and of my grandma’s funeral where we played it because she was super proud of the performance and it had been her last major outing before she got ill and started to decline. I have mixed feelings about it, but it means a lot to me.

Blind (and to a certain extent You and Me) by Lifehouse reminds me of angsty, feelsy writing when I was at school. It was one of the tracks that I listened to a lot.

When I am Laid In Earth (skip to 1.26 for the actual aria if you don’t want the recit.), by Purcell and sung by Janet Baker is so exquisitely beautiful. I’ve performed in Dido & Aeneas both at school and at university, and it is also among my mother’s favourite pieces of music, and she wants it played at her funeral.

“Remember me, remember me, but ah! forget my fate. Remember me, but ah! forget my fate.”

North by Paul Mounsey and The Eve of War from War of the Worlds both remind me of commuting in London when I worked at the British Museum for a bit, and of just trying to shut out all the sheer volume of people, as well as doing distance with Mr. Ghosti and being super miserable...

Run Free from Spirit, Stallion of the Cimarron is something that I listened to until I broke my CD because it was so scratched while I was at school. It has a deeply emotive effect on me and stirs up a lot of memories, both good and bad (i’m detecting a theme here with my associations!).

Finally... The Breaking of the Fellowship is one of the most tear-jerking pieces of music I can listen to. It’s calming and heart-breaking at the same time, reminding me of everything I love about Lord of the Rings and fantasy, and how I used it as an escape during a difficult part of my life. If this comes on on the radio or shuffle or something when I’m in the car, and if I don’t have to get out immediately, I will legitimately sit there for the full 7minutes and listen to it.

Daft Punk’s Something About Us gets an honourable mention because I first heard it when I went out with my first ever boyfriend, aged about 19 or so, but the lines ‘It might not be the right time / I might not be the right one’ had real resonance for me at the time. I knew that he was not the right one, and it definitely was not the right time, but for a brief moment there was something between us. :) (I did not need or want or love him ‘more than anything in my life’ though...!!!)

As does ‘Denn alles Fleisch’ from Brahms’ German Requiem because ‘oof’, gravitas, feels and memories. Also literally any early music by the likes of Tallis, Palestrina, Tomas de Luis Victoria (you may know O Magnum Mysterium from the ‘bathroom sirens’ viral video... also that man knows how to write a good alto line, for which I’m very grateful!)...